KC Links .com

If getting “back” in shape is on your New Years Resolution list, and you plan to do so by joining a local gym, then we need to talk…

I have been a member to several local gyms and have also been guilty of paying the FAT TAX (AKA Paying for a membership, but not going). I have been a member of the YMCA, Pepsi Ice Midwest, Gold’s Gym and Prairie Life Fitness (PLF). My membership at PLF is now over four years old. Why PLF? Gold’s was full of women and men that looked like the above pic, and I do not. Nor do I want to. YMCA was nice, but almost 100% of the time we took our kid to the daycare, she would get sick. Not just a cold, but a virus only communicable by feces or something of sorts. That has been a few years, so I am sure they have cleaned up their act by now, no hatin’ on the YMCA, but that is what drove us to PLF. PLF has many amenities to offer, most importantly it is family friendly and you don’t have to feel like you should be the Incredible Hulk to use the weights. That, however is not why I am writing this… There are some ground rules, not a comprehensive list, that are evidently not so obvious that we MUST lay out.

GYM ETTIQUITE

1. Use a damn towel in the locker room. I understand you “can get” naked in there, but this isn’t a French beach or a whorehouse. I don’t want to see your pendulum swinging and nor do most of the other people. It’s simple, wrap a towel around you to walk to the shower or to use the scale. If the reason you are there is because the towel won’t fit, then we’ll let you off because we probably won’t see anything anyway. If you are there to show me your pendulum, ew, off to the women’s locker room with you.

2. Wipe off the machines. Most gyms provide the resources to spray and wipe off the machine after you have just sweated, spit and drooled on it. Please do it. Must I remind you of H1N1?

3. Don’t over do it. I don’t want to see you have a heart attack. Not to mention the ambulance will probably block me in. I like to try to park by the door. The first time I saw some lady in a Jesus Christ pose on the floor after a tread mill work out, I was bewildered. Now I don’t even glance over.

4. Proper Attire is appreciated. Me, I would be happy if sleeves were a requirement. I know, I know, your arms are just too big to fit in sleeves. Anyway, be conscience of excessive holes or pit stains. I mean really…

5. No HOLD…ing up the machine? Don’t sit on a machine to talk on the phone. You AND I are here to work out. Unless you’re CEO of Sprint I am betting you can live your life for an hour without your cell phone. I heard people used to live their ENTIRE lives without a cell phone.

6. Don’t drop the weights. You know what I am talking about, the SLAM. Either to the floor or back on a rack. Think about this, if you are dropping them, it is one of two things. 1.) You require attention, or 2.) They are too heavy for you. If it’s not one of those two in your mind, think about this…That’s what everyone else is thinking when you drop ‘em.

7. Stop staring at me. I understand I am gorgeous, but I have feelings too.

Again, not a comprehensive list, but it will help. When in doubt, read your gym’s rules. They are commonly posted in a conspicuous area for all to see. Common sense works too.